Category: Dating and Relationships
Hi all!
Just as the question says. I won't bore you with details, but the guy who I was dating and I broke up.
It really sucks. It hurts. It's like grieving a death or what could have been. I haven't felt this since my aunt died who I was very close to because she also had a "disability," and was treated like crap by a lot of the family just like me so we were really bonded.
As for me and this guy, I thought he could have been, "the one." We were together for almost a year in a half. I can't even think about dating or finding someone else to date so please do not ask.
I do not trust easily.
Thank you for real and sincere advice, suggestions and ideas.
If I can explain something (in a general way because this is not, "let's bash him board...") that'd be great. I told him I would not blast his name all over social media. I'm not like that.
P.S. I am a Christ follower and I'm trying to do things like prayer, praise and worship. This does help..but I just hate the fact him being on my mind, me expecting/used to the phone ringing cause he'd call... etc... We only lived 3 hours from one another so the distance wasn't bad.
Thank you for your time.
P.P.S. This just may be the anger talking..but I have reason to believe that I'm sure he's not losing any sleep or thought-space over me... and I feel weak, stupid..just ugh..over the fact that I'm feeling this way.
First I have a talk with myself and tell myself it happens no matter what I want.
Next, I look at the situation honestly as to what might have gone wrong from my side of things. Because I can’t get in to the other person’s mind, I don’t try.
Next, I remember the good things, and times, and put them on the shelf of experience, or the good that was in my life for that time period. The bad things, I leave alone. I can’t fix them.
Last, I go do things that make me happy, and I remember if I’m going to want a relationship in my life, I have to look for one again.
It is a new day, and life goes on.
If the person is meant for me, they’ll come back in to my life at some point, but we must talk about why things crashed before we can start again.
Wallowing in your hurt doesn’t help.
I think people feel they should, or the last relationship wasn't valid.
It was, but wallowing won't give you any points for being a good person.
Yes, wallowing isn't good. I know I'm slowly getting better with all of this.
The new day dawns, and the sun rises. Meet it with a smile and optimism. Yesterday’s past.
A sweet and crunchy apple is far more desirable then a bitter, sower apple with worms.
Just what I believe in.
Wayne is right, and I can especially say that his point about doing things that make you happy will help you not think about this guy as much as you are now with nothing to do. That doesn't mean that you all's relationship was meaningless, it just means that life goes on and you're better off accepting that fact than being sad about what could've been or what have you.
I've been single since July, and when I broke up with the guy, that was it. I ended that relationship remembering the good times, thankful for having had them, and knowing that our breakup was for the best, given that we were not compatible in many ways, we thought differently about some core values, and were just too different people overall. (I'm outgoing, and love socializing with people, and he didn't like that). So, I prayed about things a great deal, before going through with the breakup.
So, I just wanted you to know that others have been in your shoes, and give you encouragement that prayer does work. Don't be afraid to talk to God about your broken heart, and ask him to heal it, give you peace, or whatever else you want help with. When I say talk to him, I mean on a regular basis, not just once, with the expectation that he'll heed your requests. He will--in his time, so maybe also ask for him to give you patience so that you'll be better able to focus on the right things, rather than focusing on the things that drag you down.
Hi Unique. I've never really had my heart broken. In fact, as loathed as I am to admit it, I've broken a few hearts in my day. He might not be losing any sleep over it, some don't. But if the relationship meant anything to him at all, he probably didn't just brush it off. About 11 years ago, I was with an absolute wonderful lady. We had our problems, but to be honest, time tends to taint perception, an dmostly only the good memories remain. . In short, I acted despicably to her in the end. A few years later she forgave me, but, even as a follower of Christ myself, I have never forgiven myself. I haven't perhaps lost too much sleep, but I've certainly had it on my mind throughout these years. And that's just one example of my young man's douchebaggery. My point is, sometimes people who hurt us end up hurting quite a bit themselves, if they have any morals or conscience at all.
As for getting over a broken heart. I'm no professional. But in a way, it's like a little death. What was once so sweet has become embittered and sad. It takes time for that to heal. Sometimes it doesn't heal completely, but the pain is dulled by time, reflection, and replacement. You might not think about dating right now. That's not a bad thing. Lots of people find themselves the rebound victim, or instigator. Not good for anyone usually. God puts many people in our paths though. There is a "right one", though sometimes it takes some time, and some failed relationships to find him or her. Most of the people whose hearts I broke have either gotten married or are in serious relationships. But at the time, they were really hurting. When you decide the time is right to try again, you'll find someone who makes you happy. You may not forget how he left you, but you will be able to move on.
And I must echo what's already been said.
Very badly.
I have to say, having a guy not only dump me, but put me in a situation that I lost all hope of finding a place to live, I understand. I was angry because I was forced to live with my brother. Homeless shelters do not take severely "handicapped" people. Fooie on them! LOL
Anyway, I can say that even now, I am suffering financial hardship. My only problem now, is my church thinking my bro is my keeper. If they don't stop it, I'm taking a break. My friend goes to the Salvation Army. Not my favorite church, but nice and kind. I can dig that.
Anyway, as far as the hurt, talk to The Lord. I'm not kidding. Remy to. You guys that are guilt feeling, got to realize "He forgives ALL sin." He doesn't flip a coin to what's forgiven.
The guy I dated felt bad, and has been assisting. My place won't hold my stuff, so he's helping me with storage.
What bugged me, was he dumped me for someone who was in a wheelchair, blind, bad-tempered, like me. Only she'd put out before marriage. I told him I wouldn't put my sexual needs ahead of God's law, for anyone, again! Yes, I tried once. Like Remy, I have trouble forgiving me for lowering my standards. I too need to be reminded that Jesus Forgives ALL.
Give every problem to Him. I recently did that, fearing the worst, and not am I still breathing, but I feel light and more free.
Look, I don't have all the answers, but I know it's a real bummer. Like I said, I'm worse-case... But, there's a happy ending:
My social worker is advising all her other clients wishing to risk all for hopes that melt like snow in the spring, "Don't do what this other client did."
See, they cain't mention your name, but even I think the advice is wise, and wish I'd listened. But Love... Yeah. The only love that's always there, is the Love Christ has for us.
And, if the next man can't wait, there's the door. And, I'll lick my wounds. Nothing, will ever be like the suffering I have now. And, people think I should be living in a tiny shell of a room with my brother, when friends that saw it, say it was the size of a prison cell, and that's no exageration. I can't climb the stairs anymore, and I am in too much pain. And, if anyone judges my choice to find a hole to live in, well, this hole is mine, and I pay my rent on time. Sure, I need more help than most. But, God will provide, cause He knows I know I made a huge bungle of things.
And, I hate to say this, but crying babies and migraines are no two that should be put together, even if the baby/s are cute beyond all imaginings.
Look, I just want to advise. Remy, I'd like to chat with you sometime. You seem sincere.
Blessings all!
Unique, I'd love talking with you too. Maybe, if they even think of fixing ZBP, I can set up a private conference, so the people that don't "Believe," won't have a cow.
Blessings! Merry Christmas!
Sarah
Thank you everyone. Yes, things are getting easier. I'm trying to do the right thing..no gossiping on social media..etc..I was transparent as I could be during the whole relationship.
In response to post two, how do you take an honest look at what you may have done wrong in the relationship without falling into the trap of thinking that everything was somehow all your fault? I think it is a completely different thing to take responsibility for the things you may have done wrong and berating yourself for all the things you did wrong. They say that time heals all wounds. But sometimes I really wonder how well this really works.
It isn't a look at what you did, or didn't do wrong, but a reflection on what went wrong, or maybe why.
During that reflection, maybe you learn nothing actually whent wrong, only that you, or the other person out grew the conection.
You learn you're okay, and you decide it is time to pick up your pieces and get on in life.
It is a method of letting go, because holding on to hurt is self damaging.
And what happens when you get stuck in trying to figure out why things turned out the way they did? What if you can never find an answer as to why things happened the way they did? What do you do then? What if you can never find any answers to your questions?
Perhaps in that case you're focusing too much on yourself and what you did wrong? In that case, you either can’ts ee the fault in yourself, or or it really wasn’t your fault. Relationships are always two ways. If it wasn't you, or a combination of factors, it was your partner. That isn't saying one should lay blame. Blame doesn't usually make us feel better. But it does help you to realize it wasn't you. With the relationship I mentioned above, we both contributed to the downfall of the relationship in different ways. In so many ways we were very compatible. But she was insecure, and I had a bit of a sorted history, which she learned about in a really bad way before the relationship even started. We argued a lot; never a good sign. And we were aldo long distance, and as her parents would not have approved me me, it was a real challenge to meet. Eventually it eEnded as a combination of all of that, and because, in some ways, I sort of gave up, admittedly right at the time where things could have potentially gotten better. And then I went and fulfilled every worry she had about me with the same person she was always worried about me being interested in. Some would argue that we had broken up, but it was still a really asshole move, and my regret about it lingers to this day as I said. In that situation, we both contributed, but an examination of that relationship, which I’m sure she did, as well as I did, can easily lead to the conclusion that I was greatly at fault. She was just insecure based on personal experience.
You live with hurt while the person you aren't with goes on.
Again self distruction.
I think some people enjoy wallowing in suffering. It's like a drug, or something.
These people make the worst mates, because they never can find happyiness with another, so do things to kill any new relationships they might have.
Then they wonder why knowone is interested in them.
Again are you going to eat a sweet apple, or a bitter one.
I guess maybe it is just difficult for me because a lot of things I enjoy doing only seem to remind me of the person. It seems to me that everyone has the capability of turning their feelings off the moment a relationship ends. Simply because you make a choice to move on, I do not think this automatically means that you stop missing the person or stop caring about them. Your response to my previous post makes me feel like some kind of bad person. Some more Practical suggestions would be more helpful.
I agree that one should not wallow in one's pain but at the same time, one must feel that pain, go through the grieving process, etc in order to truly put it behind oneself. Ug, I hate using the pronoun one.
Anyway, Once you've allowed yourself a bit of time to grieve the loss of the relationship, you've almost got to create a mental lockbox in which to put all those sad feelings when they crop up, and they very well may on occasion. Ultimately though, happiness and moving on has to become a choice we consciously make.
Moving on looks different for each of us. Perhaps trying something new like a new hobby or something might give you something else on which to focus your attention. If you always expect the phone to ring and it to be that certain someone, change your ringtone. I know that sounds silly, but seriously, try it.
Before entering into a new relationship, take time to find yourself again. Rather than trying to fill an empty hole, your next relationship will be founded on its own marrit. I hope that makes sense. Take it one day at a time, one hour at a time at first if that's what it takes.
Hang in there. Time may not heal all wounds exactly but it can definitely dull the pain.
I think some people have that capability. But for a lot of people too, even when you've moved on and are happy in a new relationship, you never forget what has come before. I'd say it's pretty normal that certain things you do make you think of the person. Fresh heartbreak can be hard I've no doubt. There isn't just a switch you push to turn off your feelings. One needs time to heal, and the length of time is different for different people and circumstances. There does come a time when one can and should exdrcize will to move on, but when that happens, or what triggers it is very personal.
I never forget my past loves. I'm talking about them I really cared fore.
But, what can I do? If I take that in to a new relationship, it will suffer.
I don't mean what I've learned, but the misery.
Domestic is correct, and explains it well.
When you break up with someone, you quite literally go through withdrawal. Give yourself a break. Lick your wounds, do things you enjoy. Domestic Goddess has some very valid points. But yes the feelings are not just feelings, there's b biology involved too. Give yourself a break. Cut yourself some slack.
Wow, votes up from two of my favorite zone guys. It's my lucky day. lol
What can I say? I've got a lot of experience with heartbreak, mine and that of others.
domestic and Leo..all of you..everyone thank you so much!
I miss him. I don't want to but I do. I know it has only been 2 weeks but they feel like the longest 2 weeks ever.
At least the total dispare sad hopeless feeling is gone..and I'm now focusing on heeling. Trying to pray. Read God's word. Stuff I was doing before all this happened but giving more of myself into it if that makes sense.
All I will say is what was told me after my brother died: "You miss him because
you loved him."
I think there's too much cultural pressure to conform. Everyone tries to tell you
that the exes should be friends, people have a role for you to play to fulfill some
sort of fantasy script that is either progressive or traditional.
But two weeks isn't long. If you'd quit cigarettes, you'd be looking at at least a
month before withdrawal subsides.
So again I say, cut yourself some slack. It's the holidays, you've recently shared
about other stressful events in life. You're human. Despite everyone's need for
you to fulfill their ideological fantasy, you are you. And yes, you have biological
limitations. If you'd broken your leg, for instance, you wouldn't be telling us how
you believe you should be able to run a marathon two weeks later. Remember
your humanness, and remember that all the things people and organizations tell
you how you should respond? That says more about them than it does you. You
owe them, and us, nothing at all. Give yourself a break, understandably things
will be rough for awhile, especially with all that you're facing.
You've got my sympathies with no expectations.
Wishing you all the best,
Leo
From personal experience, time and people who genuinely care are helpful. Writing is good, too (though the best place for it may not be an anonymous board, LOL!)
In time, the emotional tidal waves won't be as powerful, there will actually come a few days of calm. Then a week. Eventually, a date that meant so much to you last year will be a distant memory this year. But before that comes this. It's not easy to deal with, especially when it's every day, but your true friends will be right there with you, even though sometimes you may just want to scream at them and tell them to shove it. :)
HTH, and I wish you not but the best!
Thank you so much!! One of the most plain advice spoken. Thank you!
For every single person it is different. Don't lie to yourself, don't deny anything you're thinking or feeling to yourself. Have you ever tried to make more room in a trash can by pushing the trash that's already in there further down? Eventually, the trash can gets full no matter what and the trash needs to be taken out. Same with feelings and thoughts. If you hurt and you keep telling yourself you shouldn't, or you don't, eventually that hurt will bring its way to the top and force itself to be recognized and dealt with. By that point it can be too overwhelming and you can be crumbled underneath all of it. So with each thought or feeling, acknowledge it, deal with it. But there's another side to the whole thing too. That is, if you put too much energy into negativity, that's all you're feeding and it's hard to escape. You need to, especially right before you go to sleep every night, put your mind on something else. Read a good book or watch a lighthearted TV show, anything that brings your mind away from the situation and brings you peace. That's different for everyone. Whatever helps you move on, even if other people will tell you it's wrong, go with whatever feels right for you. For some people, things don't ever truly get better until they're with another person and have someone else to focus on and put energy into. Some people think that's wrong. some people think that doesn't really work. And for some people it doesn't. But if that works for you, great. The thing you have to watch out for sometimes though is leading someone on because you like the positive attention they give you. Again, there comes the being honest with yourself at all times and staying self-aware. The only thing I can say is pretty much consistent for almost everyone though, is time. Time heals all wounds? Not necessarily. But it does, at most, dull the pain. If you break a porcelain pot and glue it back together, it's functional again, sure. But it has cracks in it where you can see it'd been broken at one point in time. Someday you'll be functional again too (not that you aren't now, just going back to that analogy), but there may still be evidence of past breaks. That's OK. When my brother's girlfriend broke up with him, he was very, very torn up over it. He said, "What if 10 years from now I'm still in the same place as I am now? Lonely and sad?" And I told him, "Even if the worst case scenario happens, and 10 years from now you're in the exact same place as you're in now, and you come home from work every day lonely and sad, you still won't be as lonely and sad as you are today, because you'll have had 10 years to get used to feeling that way. But you have to know things will change between now and 10 years from now." So do whatever you need to do and be honest with yourself at all times, and whatever's meant for you will come your way. I know it sounds like crap right now, but sometimes you need to clear out space in your life to make space for something better and new. I know I did.
That's a nicely written, insightful post.
I've only had one true broken heart so far. The person and I were no good together, then we had other things that should've tied us together. But these things weren't enough to keep the relationship going. After being shown that my life and my daughter's life was meaningless, I knew it was time to go. I think I'm more heart broken over the fact of realizing the whole time the other person truly didn't feel like I did. No matter how angry someone can make me in a relationship, when things get ugly, I'll alwas do my damnest to be there.
I distract myself now, I play games, talk to people, neer gie myself a chance to think. Even when it's bed time, I tire myself out, so not to lay down and cry. It'll get better, I remind myself that. It's gotten a lot easier recently, though the wounds still run deep.
Well it's been nine months now. I hope you've moved on from him. I'm slowly getting over
an ex boyfriend who ran off with an ex friend of mine. What has helped me the most is
listening to Icon For Hire, and focusing on my health. Surround yourself with positive
people who will lift you up higher and higher.
What helped me the most was losing contact with the ex and making an effort
to go out, no matter how depress you feel. It helps. Going out, talking to
strangers, sharing some laugh with friends. Staying locked away and in your
head isn't going to help matters.
Good Luck
Well it's been over a year now. I hope you are doing better and have moved on.
I've gone through two bad break ups within the last 5 years. The truth is... it
never get easy. That being said, you can and will come out of it.
You grieve, you don't rewrite history but you take an honest look at the
relationship. You don't blame them but you take a honest look at their faults,
as well as your own. You cry. I'm not ashamed to say it. You cry. You purge,
you mourn but most importantly - you deal. You deal with your emotions. At
some point it gets easier. At some point you start finding your self again. From
there on out it becomes easier. Sure, you'll have your bad days. You'll have
days where you feel like crap. That's ok. That is part of the progress. When
that happens, you deal and then pick yourself back up. It may take a few tries,
but you'll get there.
You'll be ok though. I wish you the best, hun. Good luck.
Geez, I responded back in '16? Cringy. Ignore my response from 2016. Follow
the more adult one from 2017 haha.